lying in bed watching the clock tick slowly back to the start of a new day . my heart palpitating as if something is going to change . as if my whole world will flip upside down when really nothing will change but the number of years i have lived . ten . the letter to myself is finished for me to read at thirty and i couldn't be more afraid of what is to come . nine . my heart beats loudly of the fear of change not wanting to let go of an entire childhood and the memories i've made . eight . here i am now trying to remain calm while shadows of the last two decades stand by ready to dance of once a new day begins . seven . remembering the people i love and the memories we've made in tiny polaroids scattered around my wall . six . vowing to remain true to myself as i continue to gray over time with the colours of my heart staying bright and young . five . a final snap of nineteen while it lasts is saved in my memory as i wait anxiously for the clock to tick . four . my sister lays across from me already humming the tune of a happy day ahead reminding me that i will be two years older than her again . three . fifteen year old me is proud that i made it . two . almost there and my hand is shaking with fear . one . i'm twenty .